moments of depth

its been too much of being emo and sadness flowing in the last 5 months of my petite life....i wanna give a halt to all this and finally, damn, finally i have made up my mind.

i kno i had taken this decision to quit few months ago too but this time i am serious. I miss the feeling of being with people, running along the stream of water they float in. I am gonna float the way i want but also considering the way it has to be.

I am not gonna make a move to make any1 special for me. And i am gonna make many friends, gonna socialise and play some games. And definitely, start exercising so that i get some piece of mind.

And yes, i am not gonna complaint of those, that were'nt mine coz i have realised that u were nothing to me and i been too good to you n ya never deserved it. Hence, i quit this game and i am gonna enjoi the world now.

I have learned that one day we all have to get separated no matter what coz thats what the almighty too needs. He gave me you and i njoyed being with you. And now, if he wants to take you back from me, then this is my fate. A fate to cry or a fate to find some one new.

I am just gonna be me and will nevr get depressed over friends/family ppl anymore.

I wanna experience real life now.

Tune-ing to be ruff and tuff.

Shiran

silence.

everytime i see through you, it makes me wonder what i have done to myself. i have been so deeply cheated without my knowledge. I have been lying to myself everyday that i am fine, i can be fine and can get better, but i dont think this will work anymore.

Today, i been to the jumeirah beach side. A silent walk all myself leaving my other friends behind, feeling the depth of sand getting under the feet and hurting myself walking on top of the docks, slipping, tripping and falling....slowly punishing myself for the mistake i did.

The waves were beautiful, as peaceful as happiness flowing to deaf ears.

I truly wish i wanst betrayed, i pray every second for it. But, each time you are there or any memory of you, makes me wounded from inside.

I shouldnt have allowed you to get close to me.

Probably, thats a lesson i need to learn....after 21years of bad experience.

I will not allow anyone to get close to me again. I cant bare to part ways.

I know i hurt my other people in my life just for you...and this is what i get at the end. I dont wanna expext annything in return.

I have been a victim of being used again.

Firm and tuff.

ShirAn.

Realisation

Have you ever wondered the life of a RJ?? They are always so live n fresh on air; is it their realy self or are they pretending to wear a mask and making people lauguh over their silly statements???

I just realised that most people pretend to be what they are not. They just behave what they are not. It hurts a lot for being a part of this dirty game. I can never pretend to be happy coz whatever my mood is, it shows off in my face (n thats a bad quality). I can always be my true self, i cant pretend and cheat people like how i was being cheated my whole 21years through different people.

Listening to songs and just walking around made em think about relations again. I still accept the fact that i hate relationships but i somehow got entangled a year ago and still going on HILLS-Up-and-Down!!

I feel scared from inside if i will loose them. I would feel so alone again. I would be so shattered. It took me a year to wrap myself off from my y-trauma and again i will have to go through x-trauma. I am scared deep down. But then, if this relation was tru, then it would never break up!

The actual game is going to start....let me keep my fingers crossed!!

stuck on it again....

waking up at 8 on a saturday morning and trying to kill time is more like wasting million seconds in your life. And i know i been wasting my life thinking about my past, a day that i am still stuck at. Howmuch ever, we move onn that day is always in my mind and it will never fade away.

It was this person whoes eyes could be read so easily and I can still remember the eyes you had that time and how distressed you felt my presence in your life.

I still dont know if i had taken the right decision. Definitely, i have no rights to play with someones heart but what if that person wanted it to be that way??

This day has caused fire in our relationship and from then we never be ourselves, rather we pretend. Frankly, both of us are pretending to be good for each other and we have lost that special relation. I doubt if it will be back again.

My mind tells me always to forget and move on, if that persone doesnt want you, then u dont need to be with but at the same time this person says i am the dependent person!!

Last saturday, i helped my two gfs who had some ego issues. I would be a middleman between two fights coz we have no one to talk about and solve our issue.

But yeah, i know you are faithful to me and its just my mind that keeps wandering all through the past and makes me die inside again n again....

So confused, stuck again...trying to move on.

sadly dead..

i feel sad now and thats the reason of this blog just after my silly blog last night on relationships. there is something that is stopping me from not able to concentrate on studies, and i know very well what that reason is. Its psychological feeling of being alone. I was so dependent on someone and now i miss being with that person. All those old memories are coming as a flash in ma eyes. Those chats, uninvited meetings, hangouts, movies and the warmth of oneself is missing.

I feel its not the same anymore and we have had many arguments about issues bcoz of this. Its just not being what your are rather being what you used to be just to make the word "adjustment" valid.

I am missing the real person, or was i being with a person who was supposedly pretending to be someelse to gain something from me? I am going insane and madly hurt.

Past should always be history but another history became a present for me just an hour before. And this, hurts more. I actually avoided 'X' for 'Y' and now 'Y' is kinda avoiding me. At the end, i am left with no one, 'X' nor 'Y'. I hate this fact.

I should either change my way of thinking or else i should be numb for the next few years to overcome these issues.

Psychological problems can never help with consulting a psychatrist. It can only waste some money as consultation fees instead teh best solution is being with whom i wanna be can make me happy.

I just wish i could make my past with 'Y' happen again, aleast for once more.

sadly dead
shiran

its all about ReLationships.

21:34 June o5th, a peaceful silent evening is torturing my heart and mind a bit. Staying orphaned from early evening till now makes me feel nostalogic. Thinking about past and my dislike on relationships, i thought why not i write anything on relationships?! And here comes, ma blog on it.

We all tend to fall for someone or the other from a very young age. They name it infatuation, crush, the need to be with someone special. I have heard many people say, they love having a relationship but at the same time they would be the person complainig mostly of being in one. It could be they are so much in love n that they dunt wanna fall apart or else they are bored of each other and want to get a life out of hell!!! Either ways, relationships sucks.

A relationship does not always mean a bf-gf, bf-bf, gf-gf relation, but it also has some effect of friendship, parents, relatives, strangers.

Friendship is not a relationship, but it can be named as a 'bond'. You may love him/her but you dont actually be in love with him/her. Even this kinda relationship hurts a lot. Sometimes, we expect so much from one person and when they dont behave the same, things changes, glasses break and heart cries.

A relationship we maintain with parents, is never lasting. Either, it will end today or tomorrow. Nothing is certain in this mean world.

All relationships end. Finally, it will be only you alone crying for some one to be loved. Some goodbyes are unforgettable while some we tend to forget soon.

My formula for a relationship is love+hate+fight+breakup+collapse+solitary.

I am making up my mind again, not to trust anyone and not to care for anyone coz i dont want to be hurt again :(

anger..

my head is aching hard and eyes are swelling up that goes direct to my brain nerves and indirectly hurts my emotions. today, office was fun, was in the mood to work like a professional. I been doing many errors for the past week and today i completed off all my task. Probably because i got a new look n got some good comments from my direct managers...u c, i can get easily flattered when someone praises me and can get emotionally hurt when someone calls me a dark chocolate(i am brown, so what??!!!, huh...!)
College wasnt so amazing as our resluts for the quizes had been published today. I got really less grades. frankly, i have lost my concentration power and motivation skills to boost my energy to study.
Next week onwards, mid exams are commencing and i am not gonna allow myself to get less than 90 for all the 4 subjects...n i need it to happen through hard work.

There are just very few people who have the right to enter my heart and once they are in, they have the whole right to all my things. One person who indirectly owns me never makes use of me and finally he asked me for something..i was more than happy to do what he asked for but then he says he would return back the help in two days...!! is it that i aint expressive enough for them to read my mind or do i look coward??

my head is aching really bad now. i think its time to doze off and get ready for another day and then its weekend again!!!